Aries (March 21-April 19). Monday is a fine day to finish raking all those leaves, just don’t get your rake caught in the tree. Tuesday say hello to a satanist, but don’t make eye contact, unless you want to spend the rest of the week cast in stone. This weekend you will want to make a difference, so go enlist for Desert Shield.
 Taurus (April 20-May 20). Monday is a great day to finalize that lawsuit you have been thinking about the past year. Tuesday there is love in your future, but Wednesday looks bad, so a one night stand is in order. Thursday is a better day to eat pizza than Friday because you are going to wear white on Friday, and I would hate to see you ruin that new shirt. Shopping for a wild dingo looks good over the weekend.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). This week is going to be a rough one. I suggest a drinking binge on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Make sure you leave out enough food for the cat and the baby. Romance and finance are words that rhyme, but are not even in your sights. Thursday buy a lottery ticket and then send it to Rob Hart, Columbia Chronicle 600 S. Michigan Chicago, Il 60605.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Monday is going to be a good day to get your affairs in order. I don’t mean to scare you, but watch out for the #22 Clark bus. Wednesday don’t cry over spilled milk, but you may cry over the loss of a loved one.Thursday I can see a lot of flowers arriving at your house, so have lots of vases. The weekend looks good to go back on the methadone. If you are still laughing about that halloween prank, it’s time to get over it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Monday is going to be lots of fun, so make sure you have lots of napkins. Don’t “Walk This Way” ever agian. Tuesday you will have luck getting that elevator when you are late for class, but will fail the midterm because you were watching porn agian. Friday is a good day to save a dolphin. Make sure not to get caught in the net though. The weekend looks really good to spend some time in jail. Make sure you don’t burn all of your bridges, you may need to make bail.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You’re a quick learner this week, especially on Monday. That would be a good day to reevaluate your friends. Make changes at home on Tuesday (no not the drapes, purple is your color, just accept it). If possible, schedule your romantic interlude for Wednesday through Saturday (depending on how long you can keep the vidoes), and do your chores on Sunday (after church, of course, you little sinner, you).
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Money is a concern on Monday, but you get luckier then, too. By Tuesday, you may discover a secret that can help you advance. Wednesday will be hard not to tell anyone about the leprechauns you met yesterday. Spend Thursday night rounding up the old gang. Friday is a prime time to steal that pot of gold. Saturday there is romance in the air, so if you want to avoid depression, light a match.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You are powerful, decisive and good-looking, especially on Monday. On Tuesday you are weak willed, confused and look fat. Wednesday, use worries about money as your motivation to make some. Master new skills on Friday
(those training wheels are coming off!). Take care of “Family Matters” on Saturday, and “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” on Sunday.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your hopes and dreams are bigger than life on Monday. The next day is Black Tuesday, as they will all come crashing down. Keep your mouth shut on Wednesday. Why don’t you say something on Thursday, you didn’t make one peep all day yesterday! The weekend looks great for partying. Lucky for you, no lines at the “PokJmon” movie.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Try not to have too much fun on Monday, which will be hard since you will be driving around in your NEW CAR! On Tuesday you decide to volunteer in the soup kitchen. Wednesday you are in line at the soup kitchen since you skipped work yesterday. The weekend looks better, but you’ll just stay home and watch “Trading Places” again (and no, this plan will not help you to get your job back).
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18). Monday would be a good day to sell that soul. Tuesday people will discover the pile of lies you have been living (good thing you got rid of that soul when it was still worth something). Wednesday will see a change in pace. You decided to go back to the mild salsa. The rest of the week is good for picking flowers. Spend the weekend locked in your house, as your neighbor will be looking for the person who stole all her roses.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Monday you’ll see an Ameritrade commercial. Tuesday is not as exciting as Monday, but you will get to perform that orgy scene from “Eyes Wide Shut” in your acting class. Bet money on the Bears this week, because soon they will be in hibernation, and then you would be just throwing money away. This weekend is your best oppor tunity to finally get in shape. It has yet to be determined if it you’ll look more like a basketball or a football.
If You’re Having a Birthday This Week…
Nov. 15: No one wants to go to a party on Monday night.
Nov. 16: If you are turning 21, you can finally join that AA you’ve been thinking about.
Nov. 17: Wealth is your objective this year, do anything to achieve it. Anything.
Nov. 18: You will be given the power of the universe. Use it for evil instead of good this time.
Nov. 19: Make this a good birthday, because Nov. 19th might not be around next year.
Nov. 20: A Saturday birthday, too bad everyone is worn out from the party Monday night.
Nov. 21: Chances are you will get lucky soon. Actually, name your new dog whatever you like.
If You’re Not Having a Birthday This Week …
After looking for that “perfect mate” you should realize that spending too much time looking causes you to get bad eyesight. When he walks by you are trying to focus and miss him altogether.
Rob and Chris explain in further detail. If you call 312-344-7732 and pay only $85 per call they would be happy to tell you, “money is in your future.”
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