Aries (March 21-April 19). There’s a bright new spark to your love life this week. Your friends will be very supportive of a great opportunity that comes your way. Expect something special in your mailbox on Friday. Overall, it’s a great week to be a Pisces.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Make sure to buy plenty of life insurance on Monday. The rest of the week doesn’t really concern you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Make sure to keep a tight grip on your money this  week, or you might end up with a new house. Get outside and jog while the weather is still nice because heaven forbid you move a muscle when there is a chill in the air. This would be a fantastic weekend to go see “Fosse,” unless of course, you are a heartless ape.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spend Monday through Wednesday polishing up your act. You will need to pull out all stops to overshadow that turkey on Thursday. Try to stay out of the sun this weekend, which might be hard since you will be spending 3 glorious days, and 4 romantic nights in fabulous Hawaii!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). With all your luck, you might think the stars are aligned just for you. Get real. You really think that those bright balls of gasses say “hey, lets line ourselves up for that self-centered jerk down on Planet Earth.” However, your girlfriend’s mood this weekend might lead you to believe that low tide is just for her.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I recommend spending Monday at Off Track Betting, Looks like you might want to return to OTB on Tuesday, due to listening to some bad advice yesterday. If you haven’t broken even by Wednesday, just give it up, “No Hooves” is not going to pull off that upset. Buy that some one special something special for the weekend. As for that something special, why don’t you go ahead and buy it for some one special. You’ll feel good about yourself.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Prepare to die on Monday. Whew, that was a close one yesterday, wasn’t it? Eddie Money is a concern on Wednesday. This weekend, a new lover will be putting the “man” back in romance. Sunday, you’ll have your eggs over easy, and your sausage under Jaques.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Monday looks great for crawling through the sand. Plenty of bugs to eat Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday you might have to use that stinger, as a snake may be lurking in the grass. Sink your claws into a big project this weekend, but watch out for traffic on Route 81. Oh, wait a minute, we thought you said scorpion. Our bad.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Hungry? Well, the spirits tell us there will be a special at Chicago Carry Out this week. Tuesday looks good to go to T.G.I.Fridays. Drop the chulupa, and go to El Taco Loco on Wednesday. Have your mom pack you a lunch on Thursday-- what else does that poor woman have to hang on to? Friday, why don’t you go back to T.G.I.F., I mean, geez, you practically live there. What do you mean why all the restaurant advice? You said you were hungry.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). I say, put yourself out to thaw as early as Monday. You might question yourself about your dinner with the Indians on Thursday, but man, it’s time to make peace. Friday should be a great day to get all your holiday shopping done. We foresee no lines.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18). Monday would be a great day to stock pile weapons. We’re not saying the government is after you, we are just saying hide yourself with a gun, a bazooka, and plenty of ammo. Your significant other will cheat on you this week, but don’t fret, do all those weapons you stock piled ring a bell? This weekend would be great for traveling abroad. They are looking for you, so I would go incognito, per haps, as a broad.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Please refer to Aries.
If You’re Having a Birthday This Week…
Nov. 22: Do not, I repeat, do not blow your noise maker in the face of the tattooed guy.
Nov. 23: If you are turning 50 this week, aren’t you a little old to be reading a college newspaper?
Nov. 24: Are you shitting me? It’s your birthday?
Nov. 25: In honor of your birthday, a big feast with your favorite, cranberry sauce!
Nov. 26: Put a candle in that day old pumpkin pie, and call it a night.
Nov. 27: I knew a guy once who had a birthday on November 27th.
Nov. 28: Unless you hold your party before the collection plate goes around, don’t expect any money in those envelopes.
If You’re Not Having a Birthday This Week …
Leave those Discovery Zone people alone, they don’t book parties this far in advance.
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